Difficult Conversations Play by Play
The more I coach folks on difficult conversations, the more I am finding them asking for some kind of framework; a step by step or a worksheet they can turn to when they want to confront that difficult person at work or have that talk they’ve been putting off with their partner or not-so-dearest friend.
To this, I offer the following:
There’s much to be considered in the approach to a difficult convo.
There's the lead up, the before, the after, the come down, and the conversation itself.
The Lead Up
Convincing yourself to have the conversation is no easy thing. In fact, the lead up is when you determine if there is readiness for this conversation, or not.
Have you been ruminating about this conversation? Have you been here before? Are power dynamics at play?
Have you, in fact, put little to no thought into this conversation, for better or worse?
The energy you expend getting to the point of determining if this conversation is going to happen, (or not), is ‘the lead up.’
The Before
The before happens once you have determined you’re ready to have a conversation.
Before a difficult conversation, it’s important to consider,
What do I need to be at my best when I arrive there?
How will I be able to be most present?
..Best prepared?
..Most attuned to my needs and those of the person(s) in front of me?
Also, take into account that preparation for each community and person is different.
Part of preparation includes thinking about the conversation itself.
What brought us here? Remember: Always be sure to make it about you, even if you feel it is about the other person’s actions!
The way you feel as a result matters and will likely be much better received. This is why conflict folks (myself included)! are always yammering on about ‘I’ statements!
The Conversation
Once you have prepared, the conversation itself should be the ‘easy’ part.
Remain grounded in your purpose and stay connected with your own feelings rather than getting carried away by assumptions or projections from the other person or those that you yourself are placing on them.
Remind yourself before you enter the conversation that you cannot ever change the other person(s) or their response, so no matter how well things go, your expectations may not match reality.
Stay present to whatever comes up and use your preparation, but “ditch the script” and stay with the conversation. If you are worried about things exploding, be transparent with that person from the get go about your nerves, and let them know you made some notes for yourself. They will likely appreciate how much care you’ve taken and it may make them more mindful as well.
The After
Once the conversation ends, no matter how things have gone, congratulate yourself! You did it! You had the conversation that needed to be had.
If the conversation reached any kind of agreement, how were those points summarized?
Following up is appropriate to ensure everyone is on the same page makes sense at this point. Ensuring you follow through in the ways you agreed to as a result of the conversation is very important.
Sometimes these are more tangible than others so there is nuance to this.
The Come Down
Depending on one’s personality, the context and the relationship, rebounding from a difficult conversation, no matter how positive the experience, can be difficult. Some of us ruminate on the words that were said or the feedback that was given. Others obsess over how we responded or what we might have said. If there is a plan put in place and it does not come to fruition, it can feel crushing or enraging.
Perhaps in the moment of the conversation we wanted to work things out but upon further reflection we realize that this person or group just doesn’t matter to us in the same way they once did.
Space from the conversation can shift our energy and perspective and this can be confusing and lead to further conversations, or simply new awareness that the energy is no longer there.
Knowing this is a natural part of the conflict cycle can be freeing. Try not to beat yourself up as a result of difficult conversations, but instead stay with the energy you are feeling and be honest about that.
If there is still enough energy, you can start at the beginning and explore anew if there is readiness for another conversation, or not.
